He would want me to put the fun in funeral.

My girlfriend is in Indonesia without cell service. Casey’s funeral is Tuesday, in Ohio, and I’m already panicking about going. I’m masking the real reasons for my anxiety and dread with silly concerns, about what I should wear, what I should say to his mom, and what I should say to the shell that used to be him.

I need my person. I didn’t know when you really love someone, you constantly worry about their well being when you can’t be in contact with them. I need to know she’s ok and I need to cry some more about my friend, and I need her to make me laugh, because she’s the only one who can right now. I need to hear her laugh, too, because it fills me with something I don’t think anyone has found a word for yet.

Timing is a real bitch sometimes.



Of all the characters I met in South Carolina, you were one of the only people I kept in touch with regularly when I left. Time would pass, but you would always check in on me. You were like a brother; we wanted nothing but the best for one another.

I didn’t know what to think of you when we first met, but I quickly learned something very important– you were funny. You were also as sarcastic as I was, and hated that job as much as I did. So that was our common bond. Cracking jokes, and bitching, and eventually talking about bigger things. Life, and love, and the things that we weren’t proud of. You saw me cry on more than one occasion over things that didn’t matter, and in turn you told me about your own struggles. We were hard on each other; honest. Only because we cared, in our weird way.

Remember when you refused to cook food for me because I told you I was trying to eat healthy and diet? Remember when I was having a bad day, so you finally gave in? When I came out to you, you took it in stride. You didn’t crack jokes like the other guys. Instead, you told me to do whatever it was that made me happy.

On my last day of work, you locked me in the walk in cooler and poured buckets of water and flour over my head. I knew what you were going through then, and it wasn’t easy. But you still kept me laughing.¬†At my next job I missed you so much I asked you to come work with me. You were, hands down, the hardest worker there. I was proud to call you my friend.

I guess what I’m getting at by all of this is when I think about my time at the beach, a lot of it was really fucked up. And even though you were going through a ton of tough stuff yourself, you were always a rock for me. Someone I could count on. So today, when I found out you are gone, my heart broke. For you, and those three gorgeous boys of yours, and everyone else who was lucky enough to know you.

Everything you were going through is over. I don’t know what happens when we die, but I’d like to believe that you are happy. That you are at peace, and flashing that big goofy smile of yours.

Thank you for being my friend.